This is how I mourn my dairy-rich diet.

I've become lactose intolerant. Like, three days ago, my body just decided, "I've had enough of this dairy shit!" I didn't figure out what was going on until last night, when I ate a giant, cheesy dinner at Olive Garden with my pops. Now I feel awful, and I hardly slept last night. This is unspeakably upsetting to me, as I love cheese and foods that involve cheese. Like cheesecake. I fucking love cheesecake. Now I have to carry Lactaid around with me all the time, or just avoid dairy products altogether. Lactose intolerance sucks.

So now I'm sitting on the couch watching RuPaul's Drag Race reruns and reading the news on my laptop. Yesterday, my sister said something to me about fake hymens, and I kind of thought she was full of shit, so I looked it up. She's not full of shit. They actually make artificial hymens for women who don't want their new husbands to know they aren't virgins. Or women who just want to lose their virginity twice. The website is all pink and feminine and features a photo of a nude woman with rose petals covering her ladyparts.

Now, I understand that some women may want to hide the fact that they are not virgins from their future husbands, especially in countries such as China or India, but hymenshop.com also suggests that you may want to purchase a fake hymen in order to "have your first night back" with your partner or spouse. Right. Who wouldn't want to experience the pain, bleeding and awkwardness if virginity loss twice? Personally, if I were to relive the night I lost my virginity, I might just kill myself. At the very least, I'd need several (more) years of therapy, and I'm pretty sure that even the least traumatic deflowering isn't exactly something you'd want to experience more than once. The website also suggests that you may want to purchase the artificial hymen to "surprise your partner." I don't think I know any men who would consider unexpected bleeding during sex to be an especially pleasant surprise. But what do I know?

Well anyway, there it is.






Pretty cute, right?

It's Monday

H. G. Wells

I'm hungry. No, I'm fucking starving. All I've eaten all day is a yogurt and a bagel, and that was close to 12 hours ago. After taking my friend home, I pretty much just sat around and studied and read H. G. Wells. I fucking love H. G. Wells. My dad thinks that's weird, but I honestly don't see how anyone could not love The Food of the Gods or The War of the Worlds; they're really excellent books and I can always ignore whatever else is going on in my life when I'm getting my Wells on.

I spent the whole weekend with good friends, and some family too. Since my weekend starts on Thursday, I went to Santa Monica with some pretty excellent people and I'm pretty sure we offended more than a few innocent tourists in one way or another. Then we went back to the AV and made the best cheesecake in the universe. So on Friday I had lunch with my pops and dinner with my mom and sister; the best thing about having divorced parents is you get two of lots of things, like birthday meals. They were both excellent and undoubtedly fattening. On Saturday I more or less just hung around the house half-dressed. Then a friend came over and we hung around half naked together. It was great, except that he was convinced that I am both a lesbian and worse than Stalin. I really can't complain though.

On Sunday, my two best girlyfriends came over and we acted ridiculous and played really loud music on the surround sound system. A glass got broken and I got a really attractive bruise on my foot. I don't know how either of these things happened.

Anyway, since spring is in the air, my allergies are making my face swell and my throat tickle and just trying to kill me in general. But all these allergens sure are pretty, let me tell you.

I have so many things I need to do before next Monday. One of them is eat dinner. I'm starving, in case you missed that part. I want to go eat tons of sushi right now, but nobody wants to go eat tons of sushi with me, and that's just not something I can do alone. There are lots of things I can't do alone, I've found. I don't think I ought to list them here, being this is a public forum, more or less. At any rate, I'm really very hungry. I'm considering making myself a breakfast burrito, but I know deep down that it won't be half as good as a Joey burrito and I'll just end up disappointed. I'm going to eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes instead. No disappointment there.

I'll leave you crazy blog-readers with this excellent song by Dave Van Ronk, who is excellent.