Ah, memories.

When I was small and young and blonde and cute, my mother had a Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies 2 VHS. Almost every morning, she would get up and do all kinds of weird dances in front of our old tube TV while bad late '80s covers of '50s and '60s pop songs played in the background and Simmons yelled things like "four more!" at the camera. At the time, I thought this was normal. Actually, I think it might have been somewhere close to normal in the '90s. Sometimes I'd even join her. This video gave me the impression that it was socially acceptable for white men to wear tiny, brightly colored, striped shorts and hairy-chest-baring tank tops with sparkly crap on them. It also led me to believe that wearing white gym socks with shorts was fashionable. As a result, I more or less dressed like Richard Simmons throughout the summers of my youth. It wasn't a good look, but hey, I was a kid.

Anyway, I feel like Richard Simmons gets a lot of flack from people nowadays. Granted, he's a little flamboyant and, er, eccentric, but you've got to give the guy some credit! He lost about 120 lbs when he moved to LA in the '70s and he's been helping other fat folks be less fat ever since. Also, his forehead is magnificently rectangular. Or at least it was, it's been losing its shape in recent years. Regardless, I've always secretly loved Richard Simmons. He's fabulous, but at the same time, has absolutely no fashion sense, and although his hair may be thinning, he refuses to let go of the frizzy brown Jew fro he's probably had since birth. And you can't say he's just like every other celebrity trainer out there! Despite being 63 years old, Simmons still does his own damn thing, like grabbing a CNN reporter's foot and kissing it passionately on camera, or wearing absurd, not to mention revealing outfits where cameras are present.

I mean, sure, he looks like a weird, red, bedazzled chick, but I'm pretty sure he's perfectly okay with that! Also, I doubt many of you would have the balls to go out in public in that, especially at his age! Actually, knowing the people I know, that's probably not true. Anyway, I don't care what any of you say, I will always love Richard Simmons. He's marvelous.

“I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I'm a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I'm sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people.”

        -Richard Simmons